Yesterday I watched the Detroit Lions, in their home stadium of Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, defeat the Los Angeles Rams 24-23. This was a noteworthy event. Ford Field opened in 2002 and it had never hosted a Lions playoff game before, because the Lions had never managed home field advantage in all that time. The Lions had homefield advantage because they’d won the NFC North title. They’d never done that either; they’d won the NFC Central back in 1993. The last time the Lions won a playoff game was on January 5, 1992, when they beat the Dallas Cowboys 38-6.
32 years ago. I was nine years old.
The last 32 years of being a Lions fan have had more downs than ups. I’m not prepared to interrogate why people stay fans of bad teams. I’m so far through the looking glass I’ve asserted, more than once, that I don’t understand being a fan of a successful team. What I am going to do is bid farewell to some bad memories.
The first version of this post recapitulated them in detail and I realized that I was rehashing the history and getting angry again. That defeats the purpose of the exercise. I’m writing out a list instead, all the bad memories that can’t hurt me anymore:
- The Lions wasting so many careers, but especially those of Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson.
- All those 1990s Lions quarterbacks who weren’t good enough to get us over the hump.
- Mike Utley’s on-field paralysis in 1991.
- Eric Andolsek, Mike Utley’s fellow lineman, getting run down by a tractor-trailer in his yard during the following offseason.
- Barry’s retirement before the start of the 1999 season.
- The Lions hiring Matt Millen, a broadcaster with no experience, to be their general manager. At the end of his tenure, our roster was worse than an expansion team.
- Millen hiring only coaches whose last name started with “M”: Marty Mornhinweg, Steve Mariucci, Rod Marinelli. Mike Martz was offensive coordinator in 2006-2007. Millen’s deputy, who replaced him after he was fired, was named Martin Mayhew. M’s everywhere.
- Millen drafting wide receivers in the first round three years in a row. None of them were any good.
- William Clay Ford staying loyal to bad hires.
- Marty Mornhinweg winning the overtime toss against Chicago and electing to defend because of wind conditions. We never got the ball back.
- All those times in 2007, when I didn’t have cable, and I drove over to a friend’s cinderblock graduate student housing at Western Michigan with a case of High Life to watch the worst 6-2 team in the country. They finished 7-9.
- Jon Kitna, making me believe that the Millen/Marinelli/Martz clown show could accomplish something.
- All those Atlanta Falcons fans who tried to gaslight us that Joey Harrington was actually good. They found out real fast.
- Dan Orlovsky running out the back of the endzone for a safety against the Minnesota Vikings. We lost that game by two points. This was in the course of the 0-16 season.
- The referees making a bad pass interference call in that same game against the Vikings.
- That game against the Bears when everyone learning about “completing the process of the catch.”
- Jim Schwartz never figuring out the correct level of anger and aggression for a head coach. If you’re about to fight Jim Harbaugh at midfield you’re overdoing it.
- Ndamukong Suh stomping on Evan Dietrich-Smith and getting thrown out of the 2011 Thanksgiving Game. I spent way too much time trying to defend him.
- Brandon Pettigrew spiking the ball at the refs in that 2011 Saints game.
- Matt Flynn setting the Packers single-game passing record against us on New Year’s Day, 2012. Joke’s on the Seahawks, who gave him a fat contract.
- Jim Schwartz throwing the challenge flag at the 2012 Thanksgiving Game and gifting Justin Forsett and the Texas a touchdown.
- Justin Tucker kicking six field goals against us, including a 61-yarder.
- The referees picking up the pass interference flag on a throw to Brandon Pettigrew and the Lions lose a playoff game in Dallas. That one almost broke me.
- All the Dallas fans who appropriated the process catch after it happened to Dez Bryant. Calvin Johnson did it first.
- Eric Ebron dropping all those passes.
- The referees failing to call illegal batting on the Seahawks on Monday Night Football and the Lions lose a close one.
- The referees calling a phantom facemask on Devin Taylor on what should have been the last play of the game. The next play Aaron Rodgers throws a Hail Mary for the ages.
- The Lions hiring Bob Quinn and Matt Patricia because they were tired of winning under Jim Caldwell.
- The referees calling a phantom hands-to-the-face penalty on Trey Flowers on a Monday Night Football game against the Packers. That one broke me: I’m so shaken I basically walk away from the NFL for two years.
- Matt Patricia running Quandre Diggs and Darius Slay off the team.
- The referees confusing Dan Skipper and Taylor Decker in a game against Dallas, leading them to taking a likely game-winning two-point conversion off the board.
- The referees blowing an obvious offsides call in the playoff game that the Lions just won.
- Every fan who said “Same Old Lions” when things happened that were clearly beyond the Lions’ control.
- Every fan who shrugged off bad officiating by saying you just have to play better. Demand accountability.
- Those color rush uniforms. Jesus.
- Every spot foul pass-interference call ever made against us in Lambeau.
Banished! Banished! The Lions have a competent GM, a competent coaching staff, a decent group of players, won their division, and won a playoff game. All that other stuff is in the past and it doesn’t define us.